Everyone goes through phases in life. Last year about this time I went through one where I wanted to date. I had been told, ‘Spann you’re just too picky,’ or “you just never give anyone a chance’ one too many times. So, I set out to prove people wrong and decided I was going to accept a date offer from nearly anyone. About that time someone wanted to set me up with a friend who was super funny, cute, and nice. I was shown a picture, he got my number, text me, asked me to meet him at the YMCA downtown the next evening and then to dinner.
I was actually really excited about this date. He was really cute from his picture I was shown, was charming and funny in his texts, and the fact that he wanted to go to the gym (he knew i was a D1 basketball player) meant he must be an athlete too.
We were supposed to meet at 6:30. At like 6:15, when I was already on my way he informs me he misjudged traffic and would be a bit late. I said that’s just fine, I will just hop on an elliptical until you get here. 30 minutes later, I’m accidentally a sweaty mess waiting to meet this man for the first time. Great. Then I see him come in. Wait, that can’t be him… he looks like an adult blonder version of Screech from Saved by the Bell, and he has on… no those can’t be, wait.. yep. Swim trunks? and a too tight for his scrawny body T-shirt? -Ok, dont make eye contact, he’s never met you maybe you can run out the back door. I couldn’t do it, so I get off the machine and go to say hello to Dustin Diamond and go in for a hug. He gives me a side hug… strike #2. Silence. So i offer going to the basketball courts for a game of horse (we had already discussed playing prior to the date). He said he needs to get warmed up a bit and he would meet me in there. Ok, sure… As I’m shooting I’m reminding myself, don’t be picky… So he’s not Brad Pitt, he’s got a great sense of humor. And then it happened… Strike #3. He came in the gym and shot a basketball like a 4th grade girl. If there is 1 sure fire way to turn me off… it’s to shoot a basketball with 2 hands. It’s my passion, my pride, and you sir, are making a fool of the sport. I try to forget the fact that he blamed it on the weights he had just lifted during his warm up. But ok, I’m just going to suck it up. I can’t remember specifics, but I think I beat him in horse and only had a ‘H’. If his skills weren’t bad enough, he continually was trying to touch me. You know, like subtly touching my arm as he tried to talk to me. I’m pretty sure the dating for dummies may have left out the fact that you can’t do that while playing a sport. So, i offer to move on to racquetball…. something he claimed to be good at and I have never played before. I’m not bragging, and maybe I’m a little too competitive and shouldn’t have; but I beat him at his own sport. All the while he’s still trying to have serious conversation while im focusing on hitting that tiny ball. I suggest maybe we should move on to dinner, im sure he has more to offer than his athletic ability.
I go to the locker room and throw on a bra, new tshirt, freshen up on the deodorant and leave my yoga pants and shoes on. He wasn’t ready, so it sit down. 5 minutes go by… well maybe he showered? 10 minutes go by… is he giving me an easy out? maybe he left? and then he came out. In a 3 piece suit. Matching hat included. I say suit loosely because it was like a tacky velour/ velvet material… yes, the hat was too. I would have been happier if he had kept the swim trunks on. Strike #4-8. So, i apologize for not bringing clothing options and we head to our cars. He then informs me that he needs me to drive because he’s still in his ‘college car’. I inquire about his age, 29 (strike #9). We head to dinner, my option didn’t work out, so he directs me to a ‘nice spot’ in East Nashville. We get there and it was actually a bar, and that’s 100% ok because I’m in gym clothes and he’s in a suit(ish) and i would rather not be seen by anyone I know at this point. We sit down, he starts talking about this great beer and so when the waitress comes up I order his suggestion. She asks him what he would like and he looks at her seriously and says ‘Oh I don’t drink’ like it is a horrible thing. Awkward moment #6, and strike #10.
Conversation wasn’t horrible. He lives with his family & has no ambition (strike #11), spoke of the 11 different states he has lived in the past 5 years, and kept commenting on how beautiful my eyes were. I can pretty much talk to anyone if I have to, so besides the awkward ‘subtle’ touching he continued to do, dinner wasn’t miserable. As we are walking back to my car, he informs me that my shoe was untied. I prop my foot up to tie it on a small ledge, and as I did he leans over and gently rests his head on my shoulder. Top 10 most uncomfortable experiences of my life. He left his head just laying on my upper back/shoulder while I continued to tie my shoe. I’ve never wanted to own velcro shoes more than in that moment. BIG Strike #12. I’m just tired of being polite at this point and just want to get him back to his car. Obviously im being quite on the drive. Then this guy grabbed my hand and proceeds to say, ‘Um.. would it be ok if I asked to kiss you?’
Did you just ask permission to ask to kiss me? I just felt really bad for the nerd, and we were at a red light.. so I just leaned over and kissed him. Ha, jusssst kidding. I took my hand back from his, gripped the steering wheel firmly and told him, no i don’t kiss on the first date. I dropped him off at his poor clunker of a car, and never heard from him again.
+= Hopefully, my worst date ever.
I’m not sure how many times he struck out that night, but I sure learned a few lessons from it:
-Don’t listen to your friends. If you don’t want to go out on a date with someone, DONT
-Stay away from velour suits at all costs.
-Don’t ever go on a first, second, or third, date at at gym. Too many possibilities for failure.
-Subtle touches = awkward moments.
-Learn how to ignore your conscious and run when you can.
That was my first and last blind date.
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